And >> Christian Humour - Brisbane Christian Chat

	If you have any Christian Humour that you think would be suitable for our Christian Humour section, submit it to us here and you might see it being posted for everyone to see.
	The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They have set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" ask the Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kemo Sabi?" The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, and then speaks. "Tonto, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent." Submitted by Geoff Stone.
	A certain pastor was prone to exaggeration while delivering his sermons. This worried a certain deacon in his church and so he confronted the pastor over it. Shocked, the pastor replied, "I know that I sometimes exaggerate things, but I had no idea that I was exaggerating in my sermons. Next time I exaggerate at the pulpit, let me know by waving at me and I will stop." The next Sunday, the pastor was in fine form. He was preaching a sermon on the rich fool. "And this man tore down his old barns to build bigger barns," proclaimed the pastor. "And these barns were enormous. They were so big you couldn't see from one end to the other." At this, the deacon started to wave discreetly. Unfortunately the pastor didn't see him. He continued, "And these barns were so big that one man couldn't walk all the way around them in one day." The deacon began to wave his arm over his head. However, the pastor still didn't see him. "In fact, these barns were 37km long. . ." The deacon began waving both arms above his head, but the pastor still didn't see him. "and 19km wide. . ." In desperation the deacons stood on his pew waving both arms above his head. Finally the pastor saw him. "and 2cm high." Submitted by hUON.
	Adam was talking to God in the garden of Eden and said "Lord, I'm feeling lonely". God replied "Well, I tell you what, I can give you the greatest company ever. A woman who cooks, cleans, is always submissive, and is everything you've ever wanted". "Wow", Adam replied, "What would that cost me?". God answered "An arm and a leg". "Oh", Adam replied, "well, what can I get for a rib?" Submitted by Paul.
	A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3:20: "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10." Genesis 3:10: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself."
	Two Bible College students had a week of exams coming up, and decided to party instead. Their biggest test was on Wednesday, so they showed up and told the lecturer that their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tire, and that they needed a bit more time to study. So, the lecturer gave them one more day. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure they knew just about everything on the upcoming exam subject. Arriving at class the next morning, the students were told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5% list three names of Jesus found in the Old Testament." At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. "For 95% tell me which tyre it was." Submitted by Danny (missionary to NSW) Cole.
	Here's an oldie but a goodie. A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way. (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say "Hallelujah!" The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen." The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah," shouted the man and the donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase. The man travelled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop", "Halt", he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no...."Bible!"...Church!...Please stop!!", shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, Dear Lord.. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN". The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff. "HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man. Submitted by Weide.
	One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't " she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
	Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground. Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
	The pastor was talking to a group of young children about believing in Jesus and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?" "Heaven!" they all piped up. "And what do you have to be to get there?" "Dead!" one boy yelled. Submitted by michelleme.
	They have all sorts of new services today. Now they've got a dial-a-prayer service for atheists. You call a number and nobody answers.
	A young mother was trying to comfort her daughter when her pet kitten died, saying, "Remember, dear, Fluffy is up in heaven now with God." "But mummy", the girl sobbed. "What in the world would God want with a dead cat?"
	Two men fishing on Sunday morning were feeling pretty guilty, especially since the fish didn't bite. One said to the other, "I guess I should have stayed home and gone to church." To which the other angler replied lazily, "I couldn't have gone to church anyway. My wife's sick in bed."
	While the minister was speaking, a man fell asleep. The minister raised his voice and pounded the pulpit but the man would not wake up. Finally, the minister called to the deacon, "Go wake that man up." The deacon replied, "Wake him up yourself. You put him to sleep!"
	First Member: Today's sermon reminded me of the peace of God. It passed all understanding. Second Member: I thought it reminded me of the mercies of God. I thought it would endure forever.
	The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt. "My mother looked back once while driving", contributed little Johnny, "and she turned into a telephone pole."
	A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His response was: 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.
	Nothing has really changed. Even at the time of the birth of Jesus people used to enquire about the baby and mother. When the three wise men came to Bethlehem and found where Jesus was born they were met at the door by Joseph of whom they asked "How is the mother and child?". Joseph responded "Oh you know, they're in a STABLE condition!". Get it, born in a stable. Submitted by Rob C.
	Q. What is red, Christian and looks like a bucket? A. A red Christian bucket. Submitted by Tash A from England.
	The two assistants were discussing their pastor's thrifty ways. And they agreed that if the pastor, when he dies, sees a light at the end of the tunnel, he'll turn it off.
	A woman approached the minister and thanked him for his sermon. "I found it so helpful," she said. The minister replied: "I hope it will not prove as helpful as the last sermon you heard me preach." "Why, what do you mean?" asked the astonished woman. "Well," said the minister, "that sermon lasted you three months."
	A minister got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is it's still out there in your pockets."
	We serve coffee after church to wake people up before they drive home.
	A young parish minister about to deliver his first sermon asked a retired cleric for advice on how to capture the congregation's attention. "Start with an opening line that's certain to grab them." the older man said, "For example: 'Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife." He smiled at the younger man's shocked expression before adding, "She was my mother." The next Sunday the young clergyman nervously clutched the pulpit rail in front of the congregation. Finally he said, "Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman." He was pleased at the instant reaction, then became panic-stricken. "But for the life of me, I can't remember who she was!"
	Too many Christians are no longer fishers of men but keepers of the aquarium.
	Two old friends were talking. "How's your husband?" said one. "Oh, he's an angel," she replied. "You're lucky," said the other, "Mine's still alive."